Reunion Blues
©Lisa Barker

Recently I went shopping for some special occasion outfits.  I dressed up because I thought it might help salvage my dignity in case I didn’t find anything flattering to buy.

I’ve come to the conclusion that a tunic dress is not the style for me…unless I want to look like a snake that swallowed a rat.

Baby doll dresses make me look like I’m having a baby.

So I decided to take my mom up on her suggestion and try on today’s version of a corset to help me slim the appearance of my mid-section.  Have you ever watched a balloon artist?  That’s what I looked like – a human balloon squeezed tightly in the middle.

Yes, it did slim my belly.  However it also divided the rolls of fat on my back and I popped out of both the top and bottom.

This is not nearly as flattering as the super spandex underwear that sucks in your lumpiness from the knee to just beneath the breast.  It made me look like an over-inflated cyclist and I am fairly certain that my legs turned a shade of purple and blue.

I almost bought them.  I thought that maybe I could pass it off as a tan.  Any color is better than translucent.

Instead I shucked off the Nazi underwear from h-e-double hockey sticks, hung the withered and deflated thing back on the rack and slinked off, mortified.

Why did I put myself through all that?  Four words.  Twentieth High School Reunion.

To decide on an outfit for your high school reunion is to determine who you have become.  I know who I am, but I won’t have the usual accessories when I go to the reunion, which means I won’t be hollering for those accessories to sit down and be quiet.

Like many moms, my kids define who I am.  A high school reunion can be an opportunity to define who we are without kids.  I…am Mrs. Potato Head.

Mrs. Potato Head is lumpy and pear-shaped (with a great tan).  I am the peeled version.  I have large shoes and a large purse.  I have an expression for every occasion if I combine the right smile and set of eyes.  But I have nothing to wear to my reunion!

Yes, my closet is full of dresses but they are too big for the girl I used to be.  And then it occurs to me.  Why would I want to be that girl anyway?  She was shy, awkward and terrified of the future.  She wanted to be funny, speak her mind and feel good in her own skin.

She wanted to be who I have become.  I think I’ll just go as me.

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Jelly Mom™ is written by Lisa Barker, mother of five and author of “Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane… Doesn’t Mean You Are A Bad Parent!” and is syndicated through Parent To Parent™. To publish Jelly Mom™, buy the book or leave comments, please visit http://www.jellymom.com. Sign up for the complimentary Jelly Mom™ weekly newsletter and receive a BONUS GIFT!

Lisa is one of my favorite authors. She makes me laugh out loud in the middle of the night when I get her articles. My family looks at me like I’m crazier than normal if they happen to be up when I’m reading them. She’s so true to life and putting to words what we all are going through. She has a book of her compilations that she is giving all the profits away to charity. So check out the link at the end if you are interested in buying her complete book.

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Women’s Clothes Come In Assorted Flavors
©Lisa Barker

In my never-to-end battle of the bulge, I thought I’d browse through some clothing catalogs. I thought I could inspire myself to stick to my diet with the promise of new clothes when I reach my weight goal.

Well, who would have thought that a clothes catalog would be my undoing? Did you know you could buy chocolate-colored slacks? And skirts come in lemon meringue, cranberry, cotton candy and mocha.

What brilliant marketing! What terrible temptations for those dieting who succumb to such impulses. Before I knew it I was drooling over the key lime Capri’s, the orange crème flip-flops and the licorice belt.

Ah, but it doesn’t end there. “They” are out to get women dieters on all levels.

Another diet strategy of mine is to use candles, soaps, lotions and bubble baths in place of chocolate and other calorie laden goodies when I need a little pick-me-up or pampering. Well, I just love the mango butter body lotion and the vanilla milk bath that leaves me smelling like a sugar cookie. Yes, they even have chocolate bars of soap. And yes, in a moment of weakness I actually licked the bar of soap. It does NOT taste like chocolate.

Evidently, “they” (those conspirators that wish to sell merchandise to moms) understand that we are tightening our belts and fighting the urge to indulge with edible goodies. They know we are looking toward other means of self-pampering…so they are assaulting us with these delicious colors and smells that remind us of the very treats we are trying to avoid on our diets.

This is not fair! I want to sue! And it’s not just the women who are dieting that are under attack—all women are in the line of fire. What with the monthly cycle we go through we are sure to go on a major spending spree at least once a month and the with this food-oriented marketing we could easily commit financial suicide.

Couldn’t we women level a class action lawsuit against these people? They are insidious; their strategy is everywhere. What next—postage stamps in five delicious flavors? Dog shampoo that smells like pound cake?

They might. Haven’t you seen the car deodorizers? There’s new car smell and money (for the men) and then they have vanilla spice, lemon, strawberry and banana (for women). Do they think we want to drive around in a smoothie?

So I went to the stationery store. I thought I’d draft a letter to the powers that be. But what shade of white letter tablet should I choose? Taffy, coconut, butter or whipped cream?

Geez, the stress was really getting to me. So I looked at candles. Cinnamon or raspberry?

By the time I made it home I was STARVING.

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Jelly Momâ„¢ is written by Lisa Barker and syndicated through Martin-Ola Press /Parent To Parent and is available for newspapers, websites, e-zines and newsletters. For more information and details, please contact editor@parenttoparent.com

Happy Friday Everyone…

Thank you to all who have bought a copy of “Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane…Doesn’t Mean You Are A Bad Parent!” The Hugs and Hope Club (www.HugsandHope.org) gets all the proceeds and these kiddos will just tug at your heart. Thanks for supporting a great cause!

I highly recommend Marsha Jordan’s book “Hugs, Hope & Peanut Butter.” She’s the founder of Hugs and Hope, she’s an awesome Christian writer with a true gift of mirth. Her book also benefits the Hugs and Hope Club and if you’ve ever suffered you’ll find your hope rekindled and your faith warmed by her insights. Get more details at www.HugsandHope.org.

Have a fantastic weekend!

Lisa Barker

I subscribe to a very funny and light-hearted weekly column from Jelly Mom. She is hilarious and this weeks was about weight loss, so I just had to post. Most of the time I’m laughing out loud when I read these.

I Dream Of Jeans That Fit
©Lisa Barker

I read somewhere recently that you burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. So I thought, what if I slept on the couch with the television on? Surely, I would burn even more calories that way.

My husband had to burst my bubble.

So I started sleeping in.

Can I help it if I am a sucker for easy weight-loss claims? Who isn’t? Anything that promises everything we want at no expense, is a very attractive and compelling claim.

I mean, look at cats. All they do is sleep and usually they stay pretty slim. Dogs are the same. Mine only shows signs of life when I fill his bowl. So my theory is that we need to take more naps and sleep longer at night.

Of course, I’m not going to mimic animals in all regards. I’m certainly not going to just eat one meal a day. After all, I want maximum results with minimal expense.

Then I thought, what about sleepwalking? Doesn’t that burn double calories? But then I woke up while I was rummaging through the refrigerator. I guess there was a hole in my theory.

Next I tried sunbathing. I already have confirmation that sleeping burns calories, what about tanning? Don’t I burn any energy while I fry to a crisp? I certainly am getting a workout when I’m shivering because of loss of body heat due to a severe burn.

Bubble baths. If I sleep in a bubble bath, won’t I lose just a few more calories as I soak and get cleaned?

I’m running out of ideas. There has to be yet something else I can do that doesn’t involve the discomfort of – gasp! – exercise.

But, alas, like every other dieter I have had to face the hard truth. It isn’t my mouth that has gotten me into this overweight mess so much as it is my posterior. As long as I sit on it, I am not going to slim down.

Boy, that’s depressing. And now I feel like a nap. I’m like Garfield in human form. I’m not overweight, I’m vertically challenged. I like my lasagna and I hate Mondays. I also dread DIETS.

DIET: Dreaded Intentional Eating Torture

When we diet, we don’t eat what we want to eat and we eat what we don’t want to eat. Why do we put ourselves through that? What if we ate what we want, but less of it?

I think I’m onto something here. Unfortunately, I will have to discover some foods that I can eat more of. When one sliver of cake equals two pieces of fruit, I’m more inclined to choose the fruit, because I want QUANTITY.

At least then I can feel a little better about myself when I sleep on the sofa with the television on and dream of jeans that fit me.

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Jelly Momâ„¢ is written by Lisa Barker, author of “Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane…Doesn’t Mean You Are A Bad Parent!” and syndicated through Martin-Ola Press/Parent To Parent. To publish Jelly Mom, buy the book or leave comments, please visit http://www.jellymom.com.